I realized earlier this year that I have lived the majority of my life in fear. Most of those fears had a common thread; the fear of being alone. There were times when these fears paralyzed me, other times they brought on panic attacks, and they always had a great affect on my decision making. As of October 1 of this year, I have found myself in circumstances that forced me to face each one of those fears. Each one of those circumstances also had a common thread; my daughter Austyn.
Since October first I found myself 2000 miles from home, in an ambulance, the ER of a hospital, making my way though a city I had never been, flying with an 18month old child, and spending 10 day with him without mom. I’ve been on 6 flights in 70 days. I have spent time in a waiting room, stood outside the door of the delivery room, walked into the NICU to welcome grandchild number 6 into the world. Watched as decisions were being made for heart surgery; found myself driving alone during rush hour in eight lanes of traffic at the tail end of a snow storm in a city I don’t call home; spent 6 weeks away from home; and entered a dark unlocked house after dark…the super of all super freaky things!
These may seem like small attempts to you, for me they were all monumental. But I survived! And in surviving, those monumental fears have lost their affect. In fact I’m feeling a little daring. There is a sense of excitement as I think of experiencing life without fear. However, since October 1 was only seventy some days ago I feel as if I deserve a nap, a long nap. 2011 is just around the corner. I plan to be well rested and ready to go on January 1. 2011 is going to be a year without fear.